Heal Thy Self

Hey there,

To be honest I don’t even know if anybody would read this. I’m using this blog as a diary which is available on public platform wow!

Well, It’s been 5 days since I made this site on wordpress and I’ve been thinking what to write but I was out of situations.. 🙂 Trust me I’m trying to stay as positive as I can.

I started cooking for myself separately and do my chores all alone so I don’t have to depend on anyone anymore. Yeah, I’m planning to move out, away from my parents. Idk you might judge me for this. But also you don’t know the whole story.

Normal people wake up to the sound of their alarms but I wake up to my mom’s yelling or to the pain of being hit with a stick every single day. It may be normal but I never wake up with a good mood tbh. And it sucks. Still, I try. I try to stay positive and make the day better. But hey, it’s not that easy.

I’ve always heard my mom call me names. She would say I’m ugly. I probably am ugly but that’s not an issue. The issue is my Mom calling me ugly. I’ve never heard her saying anything positive about me.

I used to be good in academics till high school. Then depression happened. But i didn’t know what it was until recently.. I always thought it’s just because I’m shy. No, I’m not shy, it’s anxiety that kept me away from everyone, it was difficult for me open up to my closest friends and I even distanced myself from my crush in college who actually liked me back. Well, yeah I’m

But you know what’s interesting about the whole situation? Despite being through hell and toughest phase of my life and all the suicidal thoughts I had during the darkest moments so far, I’m still alive. I don’t want to die depressed. I’m really trying hard to ‘live happily’. I’m still writing this with tears in my eyes but I want to be the happiest person on Earth atleast once before I die. Woah I sound like a psychopath. But who cares.

I’m in too much chaos. No I don’t need help. I know I’m strong enough to pull myself back up. I’ve survived so far and I will survive until I’m fully satisfied with the life I’m living.

Yeah I’m trying hard to motivate myself. Also, this quarantine stuff happening is really annoying me. I can’t breathe at home. The energy here suffocates me. I want to be away from people, much closer to peace and stillness.

My parents don’t abuse me or anything but they never understand my feelings. They actually don’t respect my feelings. They believe they can do anything they want because they’re my parents and I’m just bound to obey them and tolerate their actions. I’ve really never felt love in all these years. Although I’m depressed I don’t want to sound like a depressed person 👤 I’ve never spoken about this to anyone. I do have best friends but I can’t/ don’t want to tell them either. It’s hard.

It’s really hard to tell people how you feel when you’re not feeling good. It’s easy for me to share good stuff with them but never the bad ones. Nobody knows the darkest hidden part of me. Literally Nobody. All they know is the ‘sweet, innocent, playful, crazy and lazy’ part of me. I really wish people could see through others to know what’s happening inside of them. I wish people could understand you without having to say anything at all.

I feel good after writing all that was inside my head atm. Thanks if you made it so far. I know my thoughts are chaotic but I’ll try to make it more readable and understandable in my upcoming posts. It’s 10:34 p.m. here and I’m all set to go to bed and stay awake till 3 a.m.

Goodnight Earthlings! 💖